Being Chosen

Started the day with an echo-cardiogram. This is standard procedure before discharging the patient after heart surgery. Cora fasted until 8am and then was sedated. She did very well until the ultrasound tech had to push pretty hard on the abdomen to get a under shot of Cora's heart. It was then that Cora came out of a heavy sedation and looked at the tech with an expression that said, “Excuse me, but I am really sore where my chest tubes used to be and that hurts.” The rest of the echo went well and Cora laid quiet enough for her to finish.

When the tech was done she got a paige from Dr. Bove and he wanted another view of Cora's heart. Then it was back to the room and waiting for the news. Cora's discharge meds were already picked up and we were packed and ready to go. After three hours without any news the nurses started to paige the floor doctors to see what was taking so long.

At 4pm the Doctor came in with the news form the echo-cardiogram. Its when he closed the door to the Cora's room that I new it wasn't the best news. While the repair has diminished Cora's regurge, there is already signs that the repair isn't healing quite like it was suppose too. The echo after surgery showed very mild regurge from the repair and equal pressure in the chambers. Today's echo showed “jets of regurge” between the sutures of the repair and an increase to moderate regurge and  unequal pressure in the sides of the heart.

I sat an listened to this man tell me that we are so fortunate to have been able to be able to get some more growth on Cora and more strength on her before, (or if) the repair again lets go and she needs a mechanical valve operation. I heard him tell me that the only option next time is the mechanical valve. I heard him tell me that with luck Cora won't need another operation. Then I heard him tell me that often times children with this kind of repair and these kinds of results do end up coming back for the mechanical valve replacement surgery.

I heard all this....but my heart wasn't listening. My daughter is now on Captiprol again to help with the pumping function of her heart. She will remain on this indefinitely and long term. Again my mind heard this, my mouth asked the right questions and my mind listened to the answers. My heart was crying and my soul was wounded. I wanted so badly to fix this for my daughter and I couldn't.

I unpacked her things and got her set up for staying in the hospital again because they wanted to monitor her for a day or two while she takes the first couple of doses of Captiprol. This medicine can sometimes cause a real drop in blood pressure and they monitor her to make sure she doesn't have this happen. Even though she was on this medicine before the surgery and she tolerated it well, they aren't taking any chances with Cora.

I stood next to her crib and just looked at her. Cora was smiling at me and wiggling her little body. While I watched her, smiled at her and held  back my tears I remembered a moment:

Shortly after getting testing during my pregnancy and having it confirmed that Cora would be born with Down syndrome I stopped in at the Pickford Medical Center to let everyone know about the news. Laurie, a nurse that was working there at the time, took me into one of the exam rooms to talk with me. This is what she said, “Katrina, I know you. You want to take blame for this, you want to own this, you feel responsible. There is nothing that you did or didn't do during this pregnancy to cause Cora to have Down syndrome. It just happens. And you know what else? I believe that God gives these children to mom's that can handle it. You can handle this and anything that comes your way with Cora. You have been chosen to be her parent because God knew you have what it takes to give Cora the kind of life she deserves. He chose you because he knew you would love her no matter what.” By the time she was done talking with me we were both crying.

So here I am , still in the hospital with Cora instead of heading home and I have a huge “aha” moment. As Cora smiles at me and looks at me with those blue eyes that are often filled with ageless wisdom I am filled with happiness and joy at finally understanding I was the chosen mama for this child. It brings me peace during this step of our journey.