Accepting Life

Cora's had a doctor's visit on Friday.  Despite the fact that she has packed on 12 ounces in the last 6 days, there doesn't seem to be any fluid in her lungs and she doesn't appear to be terribly bloated.  Pickford Medical and I decided we would count it as a growth spurt instead of fearing that it was a huge weight gain indicating the start of heart failure.

The fear of Cora's heart failure is always going to be there, I think.  The ever watchful eye for the sign and indications that the leaking and regurging repair has started to let go again.  I try to deny this fear, even push it aside when I feel it starting to choke me and making my heart beat faster.

But on Friday I could  feel that panic set in as I looked at the scale at saw that huge jump in weight gain and that protective mother instinct start to come over me as I take her off the scale and hold her close.  My mind races and I tell myself its just a growth spurt, its not heart failure. 

My memory flings me back to the morning when I found her lifeless in the crib and pale as a porcelain doll.  I remember how I tried to wake her and she didn't respond, the sobbing and choking fear that I had lost my youngest child.  The sickening relief when she finally responded and the rush to vomit in the toilet instead of on the floor by the crib.

I found it surprising and alarming that as I walked with Cora snuggled in my arms back to the exam room, that the morning of her "not waking" should flash back into my moment of silent walk down the hall.   The inside of me feels sick and my mind is rushing, but my mouth still asks the questions and smiles.  I sometimes wonder if my eyes tell of the fear and the panic that I feel?  Can others tell at that moment what I am really thinking and feeling?  Can they feel the emotion of wondering if I am again loosing this beautiful child?

Maybe not...for Catherine continued to talk with me and tell me that she found nothing alarming in Cora's exam.  She said that the huge weight gain could merely be a growth spurt and that "little Cora" is merely  making leaps too catch up with the growth charts.  Then Catherine tells me that if the weight gain is still huge next week we will do blood work to see if her heart is not functioning as well as it was.  Yep, there it was.  That cautionary tone and suggestion.....maybe I wasnt' hiding it as well as I thought.

Friday left me with enthusiasm and fear. Today is Sunday and I still feel that lingering caution in the pit of my stomach. When Cora finally woke up this morning it was almost 10am, and for Cora, sleep and naps are an indication that something is amiss.  I felt the dread start to choke me and then slowly leave my body as I watched this chortling baby and felt her tight grasp on my hand as I changed her diaper. Cora was all about wrestling and playing this morning when it came to getting out of her pajamas and getting ready for the day.  I felt the concern take a back seat to the joy of the moment. It was a welcome relief.

I find that in the past year with Cora I have learned to become more optimistic than I normally am  while not putting on or wearing the rose colored glasses.  I think, despite it all, part of this journey is learning to accept everything on it.....even when that sometimes means accepting the scary sh#*!  For that is life and life is sometimes scary.  Learning to Accept Life as it is handed to us is half the battle.  The rest just kinds of falls into place, and I trust in that knowledge and find it useful on this journey with Cora.